That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
