1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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