I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
