i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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