Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
