My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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