Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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