Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Randomize
