I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
