I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
