Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
