Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
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Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
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He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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