Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Randomize
