What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
