i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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