I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
