I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
