I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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