just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
