I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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