If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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