i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Randomize
