You're my little dorito
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
