so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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