from now on my penis is your penis
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
