and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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