in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Small penises have feelings too.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
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Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
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I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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