the new term for farting is butt boxing.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
