My sheets look like a crime scene.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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