so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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