I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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