i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
