No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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