I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
