I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
