I think im going to throw up on grandma
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
