New invention idea: vibrating tampons
My balls are so social today.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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