Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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