the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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