im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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