Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
