I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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