I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Randomize
