Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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