you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
