i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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