worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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