gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
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