i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
