im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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