I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
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You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
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I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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