Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
