Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
