don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Randomize
