the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
