You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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