I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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